Dust and Vapor

What an off day this has been.

Last night, I woke several times from dreams that left me shaking. The kind of dreams that make you reach out in the dark for something, or someone, familiar, just to ground yourself back in reality. The dreams were different each time, but they all shared a common theme: everything ends eventually, and it almost always hurts like hell. So, I didn’t sleep much, and got up this morning feeling fragile and anxious.

 I haven’t been able to shake that feeling all day.

It doesn’t help that G opted for a long day at work today. Or that B managed to get me sick with her cold. Or that work is slow, leaving me nothing to distract myself with other than rabbit holes I should never be jumping into. I should know by now how much my mind likes to take me on the darkest rides sometimes, especially when I’m already feeling vulnerable. It’s the masochist in me, for sure. So, here I am, not quite to 5 o’clock, still technically “at work,” but unproductive in every way except torturing myself with ghosts from the past. Ghosts that don’t even belong to me, really. Just the restless spirits of days long gone.

These are the days I need to force myself to drop anchor and stay in the present, stop wandering down the dark alleys of the past or skipping ahead to chapters I have no business reading just yet. These are the moments when I need to focus on what’s right in front of me, feel every inhale and exhale, and let go of the things I cannot control.

There is only now.

There is only this moment.

Everything else is just dust and vapor.


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