Almost happy

The words are forbidden.

All we have are stolen glances across a sea of faces and my own hands against the wall. How was I to know that time would be stronger than our best intentions? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Looking for pages hidden in a book closed long ago.

Honestly, I never expected to care, having always prided myself on decision over circumstance. Who was I to think I could close the door and never hear the echo? How long did I really think I could ignore it, push it aside, or hide? Always so careful with everyone but me.

And now? A single whisper breaks the lock. Memories flood me. Happy, serene, safe, loved. I see a world of blue hands and twirling parasols and days of couch happy bliss. Birds and rainbows and music and dancing naked in the wind. ย I miss it all the most.

But, this is happy, too, in a simply existing way. Comfortable enough to smile. The steady, calm water. Gently rocking boat. It unnerves me. Frustrates me. I want more, and what I want is what you cannot possibly give me. What I want should matter, but it doesn’t.

So, I settle to a low point and rest.

Uncertainty challenges faith and feeling – how to ignore the pieces that fit the puzzle so well. ย All this, and a thousand reasons to question. Pound of feathers, pound of flesh. Something has to give.

In the end we are the sum of our choices. Are we not?

Tip the scales.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s